For those of you who are not aware, I am a stout believer of the next-to-invisible Miniature Giant-Space-Needle church. Please, allow me to introduce you to the religion.
1. The origins…
At first, there was a needle. A Giant Space Needle, in fact. The Needle was all-seeing, all-powerful and eternally wise. Floating, in nothingness, next to a Giant Space Balloon. At some point, it decided to create the world, universe, and everything in it. To achieve that, the Giant Needle popped the balloon (this is what some scientists today refer to as “the big bang”).
For any smart-asses out there: do not dare to question where the Needle (or the Balloon, for that matter) came from. Just accept that it has always existed and call it a day.
Now, it has come to my attention that some infidels attribute the creation of the universe and all in it to some “God.” According to them, it took him a whole week to get the job done. If you ask me, that makes him quite inefficient, if not outright incompetent, compared to the Giant Space Needle. Besides, as nothing existed before the Big Bang, it is clear that if that God exists by any chance, he too must have been created by the Giant Space Needle. The same logic applies to the rest of the small-league players: Allah, YHWH, Zeus, Odin, and others.
2. The universe and all
Of course, the whole purpose of the big bang was to create us. Stars, planets, galaxies, and mosquitoes were made just to keep us occupied. In order to keep an “eye” on us and save us from going astray, the Giant Space Needle shifted into a size that is extremely miniature compared to its normal form – the size of an ordinary needle – and started orbiting the Sun in the region between Mars and Pluto (it is all-powerful and can change its orbit according to its whim). This makes it next-to-invisible as far as we are concerned.
Thanks to its rather small size and the fact it is made of steel, the Miniature Giant-Space-Needle creates practically no measurable gravity pull or heat signature. In all its wisdom, the Miniature Giant-Space-Needle did this to test the faith of the true believers. Because, if it were possible to detect, and locate it, there would be no need for any faith, we could just rely on the primitive scientific methods (which are slowly being abandoned since the start of the 21st century by the way) to explain everything. This way, finding the Miniature Giant-Space-Needle and scientifically proving its existence is infinitely more difficult than finding a needle in a haystack (pun intended).
3. The Church of the Next-To-Invisible Miniature Giant-Space-Needle
Our deity is omnipresent, all-powerful, all-seeing, and so on and so forth. However, in the interest of brevity and good marketing, we keep it short and refer to it as just “the Next-To-Invisible Miniature Giant-Space-Needle.”
(as I tried to convince her last night…)
As the highest-ranking clergy member, I currently hold the title of: The Great Arch-Cushion of The Galaxy.
The fact that our deity is the only true one is easy to prove. If you ask any true believer of any other religion, they will confirm that their deity is the only true one. As our deity is also, well, a deity, it goes without saying that it too is the only true one.
However, unlike the other religions, we don’t deny the existence of other, lesser deities. If they do exist (highly unlikely, but we are willing to give it the benefit of the doubt), they must have been created by the Giant Space Needle to do its bidding in one way or another (the Needle works in mysterious ways). See how tolerant we are?
Also, unlike most other religions, we hold the radical feminist view that women are humans too (our holy tradition even goes to such extremes as to propose that Taylor Swift is awesome, but let us not dwell on that).
When it comes to our other beliefs and policies, it’s more or less a standard run-of-the-mill religion: love your neighbour (though you can kill him if he’s an infidel), eternal life and soul salvation limited lifetime policy, and Earth is a lot younger than it looks to those damned scientists (I like to think that Earth takes that as a compliment).
Oh, I almost forgot!
We have no holy books or similar scriptures. Bothering to write that down would be a waste of time, as we are primarily aiming for the illiterate superstitious folks – you know, the gullible ones. Once we’ve gained enough traction and money starts pouring in, the smart ones will inevitably join us.
If you like, you can support us on Patreon ($5 per month buys you some blessings, while $15 per month buys you eternal life… after you die, of course):